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Perseus, a la Shmoop.

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Greetings all. As I'm sure you know, I am

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Perseus, founder of Mycenae <<my-SEE-nay>>, first and best of all Greek heroes...

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...despite what that hack Heracles <<HAIR-a-clees>> seems to think.

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In any case, I've decided to take a break from my glamorous job as a constellation

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to set the record straight on a certain incident in my past.

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It seems that my old enemy, Medusa, has circulated a video

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on Youtube which makes me seem like the monster instead of her.

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To my amazement, some people actually believe the nonsense she's spouting and can't see

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through the fact that she's just trying to sell copies of her terribly written memoir.

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Medusa tries to make it sound like she was an innocent victim

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whom I brutally murdered for my own glory.

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Let's clear one thing up right now: Medusa was a horrible monster and deserved to die.

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Sure, I decapitated her on a dare from King Polydectes <<polly-DECK-tees>>,

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who was trying to get me out of the way so he could marry my mom.

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But I didn't just kill Medusa because Polydectes told me.

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She really was a problem.

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She was so bitter about being turned into a Gorgon

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that she loved nothing better than turning people into stone.

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I really deserve a lot of credit for taking that chick down. It was no easy task.

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First I had to find these nasty hags called the Graeae <<GRY-aye>>.

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And when I say nasty, I mean nasty.

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These ladies only shared one eye between them.

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Can you imagine putting an eye into your socket that'd been in someone else's?

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I still get skeeved out just thinking about it.

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They also only shared one tooth, which is almost even grosser.

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The hags weren't that helpful at first, but after I held their tooth and eye hostage,

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they told me what the next step of my journey should be.

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They told me I need to go see this nymph chick,

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which turned out to be a great idea... for a lot of reasons.

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Mostly because the Nymphae <<NIM-fay>> helped to hook me up with all kinds of useful Medusa

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slaying items, like Hermes's winged sandals...

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Oh, and by the way, despite the rumors Hermes has been spreading, my feet do not stink.

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The nymphs also gave me the kibisis <<kuh-BYE-siss>>,

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this awesome sack that couldn't be corroded by Medusa's vile blood.

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After that, I was off to find the nasty sea cave that Medusa called home.

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Really, it wasn't too hard to find because of all the yard art.

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Before I entered the monster's lair, Athena popped in to give me an ultra shiny shield,

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advising me to only look at Medusa through its reflection.

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Athena gives the best tips.

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So, I flew into the cave, peeking around corners like mamma Athena told me,

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and I couldn't believe my luck when I saw Medusa asleep.

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It's true that I was faced with a bit of a moral conundrum here.

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Should I wake the monster up, or should I kill her in her sleep?

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You guessed it. Noble hero that I am, I did the right thing...

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I walked boldly up to her and hacked off her ugly head before she could open her warty eyelids.

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Even though Medusa tries to make me look bad for doing this in her book,

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it's clear to everyone that the humane thing to do was

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to put her out of her misery before she even knew what hit her.

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Wasn't long before I was soaring through the

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sky with her head stuffed in the kibisis.

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Little did I know that my adventure wasn't quite over.

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I should've figured, though.

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What hero's quest is complete without rescuing a smokin' hot babe?

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Her name was Andromeda <<an-DRAH-muh-duh>>, and her parents had chained her to a rock

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for the sea monster, Cetus <<SEE-tiss>>, to eat.

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It seems they'd managed to tick off Poseidon, and watching Andromeda be devoured was the

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only thing that would make the sea god happy.

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Yeah, he's kind of twisted.

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Medusa's head made my job really easy here.

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All I had to do was zip down, show the monster

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her ugly mug, and BAM!...he was a big hunk of rock sinking to the bottom of the sea.

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See, Medusa! I used your head for good. I saved an innocent maiden, the perfect maiden

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I would one day make my wife.

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After that, I continued to use Medusa's head for good. I petrified Andromeda's creepy Uncle

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Phineas who was trying to marry her. And I also used it to petrify creepy King

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Polydectes whom I found trying to force my mom to marry him when I got back home.

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So there you go. Point proven. I'm a true hero, and that's that.

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Clearly Medusa is just trying to make me look bad

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to sell more copies of that rag she calls a memoir.

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Let my unblemished reputation as the perfect hero shine on forever,

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with as pure a light as the stars of which I'm now made.

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Oh, and if you want, you can by my memoir on Amazon for $8.95.

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