The Hypothetical Friends
- Frank: Can I put my confidence in you?
- Egbert (as Charlie): Totes.
- Frank: I can has $100 now?
- Egbert: No. If I gave you monies as a freebie that's like giving to the poor, which would make us not equals. If we couldn't be on the same footing, we wouldn't be heart-mind friends.
- Frank: I'll pay you back.
- Egbert: Nah. I don't loan to friends. If I loaned to you, we'd stop being friends and would be business associates instead.
- Frank: Let's do that.
- Egbert: Okay. I'm going to charge you crazy high interest and demand a lot of proof backing you up and saying you have enough money to pay me back.
- Frank: I can't prove that, but can't you trust me as your friend? I'm going to pay you back, but I came to you because I can't go to the banks.
- Egbert: Tough. Besides, I picked you as a friend way back when because it looked like you were rich. I'd never pick a poor friend (since I'd never give money to a friend), but you losing your fortune and asking me for money is a kind of fraud, because I picked a not-poor friend and you ended up poor. This really sucks for me.
- Frank: That's gross, 'Charlie.' What if you needed the money? I'd help you.
- Egbert: Ew. First off, I wouldn't ask. Secondly, I would accept if you offered. I know about China Aster.
- Frank: Um, what?
- Egbert: I'll tell you, but not in my own words—I'll repeat the story exactly as I heard it. It's not my style of storytelling, but this version is seared in my brain.