How It All Goes Down
A rich dude named Lovewit has hightailed it out of his London home and headed for the safety of his country estate because the plague has hit and city-dwellers are dropping like flies. While he's been away for about six weeks, his butler's been using the house to operate a bunch of scams and run a brothel. He's working with two of his pals, a conman named Subtle (awesome name) and a prostitute named Doll Common (awesomer name).
We find out at the end of the play that the butler's name is "Jeremy" but since his master has been away, he's disguised himself as a dude named "Face." Oh, yeah—and sometimes he goes by the name "Lungs." "Face" been going out and recruiting "gulls" (chump victims) and bringing them back to the house to meet Subtle, who is posing as some sort of "doctor" of alchemy (and other pseudo-scientific-y and magic-y type stuff).
The problem is: Face and Subtle are always fighting about who does more work and who deserves a bigger piece of the profits. They're in the middle of one of their big, hilarious fights when the play opens. Doll breaks it up, promising to sleep with the lucky guy who draws the biggest straw later that night.
This happens just in time for us to meet Victim #1, a young law clerk named Dapper. He shows up at the house and wants Subtle to use his magic to help him win at gambling. Subtle ups the ante and dupes Dapper into believing that he can get help from the Queen of the Fairies so long as he agrees to 1) go through a bunch of freaky and embarrassing rituals and 2) cough up enough dough to appease the Fairy Queen.
Next, we meet Victim #2, Abel Drugger. He's a tobacco-slinging shop-owner who pays Subtle to use his scientific-y/magic-y skills to tell him how to set up his shop so it will make a boatload of money. Victim #3 is Epicure Mammon, a rich knight who has been paying Subtle (who he thinks is a great "doctor" of alchemy) to create the philosopher's stone in his lab, which is supposed to be able to turn base metals into gold. Long story short? Mammon thinks the stone will make him super-duper rich, powerful, and irresistible to the ladeez.
Mammon shows up at the house with his pal, Surly, who knows that alchemy is totally bogus and decides to prove that Subtle and Company are a bunch of frauds. Meanwhile, Mammon's convinced that Doll is a "lady scholar" who has come to the house to be healed of "madness." Mammon is determined to sleep with her, which is fine with Doll because she knows she can get more money out of him. Mammon is also convinced to send all of his household metal to the Doctor so it can be turned into gold.
The fourth set of victims are a couple of Anabaptists named Ananias and Tribulation Wholesome. They want the philosopher's stone too but, when Ananias shows up at the house and refuses to kick down more cash for the project, Subtle throws him out and demands to see his superior (Tribulation Wholesome).
Eventually, Wholesome and Ananias agree to buy a bunch of pewter from the conmen (which actually belongs to Mammon) so it can be counterfeited into coins that can be used to help their religious cause. (Um, pretty sure that's a cardinal sin, there.)
Drugger shows up with a young country gentleman named Kastril, who's willing to pay the "Doctor" to teach him how to talk trash and "quarrel" like all the cool kids in London. Kastril has a rich sister named Dame Pliant. She's a hot young widow so, naturally, Subtle and Face both want to meet her and, well, marry her.
Meanwhile, Dapper's arrived for his appointment with the Fairy Queen (Doll in disguise). He's blindfolded, pinched, and shaken down for anything valuable in his pockets and on his person. But, when Mammon shows up at the house looking to meet the mad "lady scholar," Dapper gets gagged and stashed in the bathroom while Doll does a quick costume change and seduces Mammon.
When more people start showing up, things get trickier and trickier for our con artists. Kastril comes back for a private smack talk lesson and brings his hot, widowed sister. Face and Subtle fight over who is going to hook up with her but then Surly shows up at the house disguised as a Spanish count who claims he wants to hook up with Doll. Problem is, Doll is getting busy with Mammon. Face and Subtle decide to introduce the Spaniard (Surly) to Dame Pliant.
Meanwhile, Doll is finished with Mammon and wants him gone so she pretends to throw a "fit" and acts like she's gone totally mad. All of a sudden, there's an explosion off-stage. Mammon is told that the alchemy lab blew up because he sinned by having sex with a woman. Now that the alchemy lab's trashed, he's not going to get the philosopher's stone. Mammon's crushed…and leaves.
Meanwhile, Surly's told Dame Pliant the truth about his Spanish count disguise and has also revealed that Subtle and Face are conmen. He proposes to the widow and confronts Subtle and Face but is driven out of the house.
Lovewit returns home from his country estate and is told by his neighbors about all the shenanigans that have been going down at the house. Jeremy the butler (a.k.a. Face) tries to lie his way out of it but then all the victims start showing up and demanding justice.
Plus, Dapper chews through his gag and cries out for help. Jeremy/Face is forced to confess everything to his master. Lovewit agrees to let him off the hook if Jeremy/Face helps him marry the rich widow, Dame Pliant. (Plus, Lovewit will get to keep all of Mammon's money and metal.) Lovewit orders all the victims to scram and goes off with his butler.
The Fairy Queen (Doll in disguise) visits Dapper a final time and sends him on his way. Lovewit gets his hands on a Spanish count costume and Jeremy/Face tells Subtle and Doll that the cops are on their way to the house to arrest them: they'll have to leave without their share of the loot they've taken from their victims.
Later, Mammon and Surly show up with the cops, followed by Kastril, Ananias, and Tribulation. Lovewit denies knowing anything about what his butler's been up to and all the victims end up leaving again.
Meanwhile, Lovewit's gotten hitched to the widow. Kastril is furious but Lovewit wins him over and then brags to the audience about how he's got a hot new wife, a clever servant, and a bunch of Mammon's money to keep him happy.