Enter Lance, with his dog, Crab. LANCE When a man’s servant shall play the cur with
him, look you, it goes hard—one that I brought up
of a puppy, one that I saved from drowning when
three or four of his blind brothers and sisters went
to it. I have taught him even as one would say 5
precisely “Thus I would teach a dog.” I was sent to
deliver him as a present to Mistress Sylvia from my
master; and I came no sooner into the dining
chamber but he steps me to her trencher and steals
her capon’s leg. O, ’tis a foul thing when a cur 10
cannot keep himself in all companies! I would have,
as one should say, one that takes upon him to be a
dog indeed; to be, as it were, a dog at all things. If I
had not had more wit than he, to take a fault upon
me that he did, I think verily he had been hanged 15
for ’t. Sure as I live, he had suffered for ’t. You shall
judge. He thrusts me himself into the company of
three or four gentlemanlike dogs under the Duke’s
table; he had not been there—bless the mark!—a
pissing while but all the chamber smelt him. “Out 20
with the dog!” says one. “What cur is that?” says
another. “Whip him out!” says the third. “Hang him
up!” says the Duke. I, having been acquainted with
the smell before, knew it was Crab, and goes me to
the fellow that whips the dogs. “Friend,” quoth I, 25
“You mean to whip the dog?” “Ay, marry, do I,”
quoth he. “You do him the more wrong,” quoth I.
“’Twas I did the thing you wot of.” He makes me no
more ado but whips me out of the chamber. How
many masters would do this for his servant? Nay, 30
I’ll be sworn I have sat in the stocks for puddings he
hath stolen; otherwise he had been executed. I have
stood on the pillory for geese he hath killed; otherwise
he had suffered for ’t. To Crab. Thou think’st
not of this now. Nay, I remember the trick you 35
served me when I took my leave of Madam Sylvia.
Did not I bid thee still mark me, and do as I do?
When didst thou see me heave up my leg and make
water against a gentlewoman’s farthingale? Didst
thou ever see me do such a trick? 40 | Lance tells the audience a story about how Crab was caught "a pissing" under the Duke's table and Lance took the blame for it so Crab wouldn't be whipped. (Um...do you think the Duke felt better thinking it was Lance that had peed under the table?) He also reveals that he once took the blame for Crab when the dog killed a neighbor's geese. Lance begs Crab not pee on any "gentlewoman's" skirt, which seems pretty reasonable. Wow. Proteus is really off the mark gifting this dog to his crush. |
Enter Proteus and Julia disguised as Sebastian. PROTEUS
Sebastian is thy name? I like thee well
And will employ thee in some service presently. JULIA, as Sebastian
In what you please. I’ll do what I can. PROTEUS
I hope thou wilt. To Lance. How now, you
whoreson peasant? 45Where have you been these two days loitering? LANCE Marry, sir, I carried Mistress Sylvia the dog you
bade me. PROTEUS And what says she to my little jewel? LANCE Marry, she says your dog was a cur, and tells 50
you currish thanks is good enough for such a
present. PROTEUS But she received my dog? LANCE No, indeed, did she not. Here have I brought
him back again. 55 PROTEUS What, didst thou offer her this from me? LANCE Ay, sir. The other squirrel was stolen from me
by the hangman’s boys in the market-place, and
then I offered her mine own, who is a dog as big as
ten of yours, and therefore the gift the greater. 60 PROTEUS
Go, get thee hence, and find my dog again,
Or ne’er return again into my sight.
Away, I say. Stayest thou to vex me here? Lance exits with Crab. A slave that still an end turns me to shame.
Sebastian, I have entertainèd thee, 65
Partly that I have need of such a youth
That can with some discretion do my business—
For ’tis no trusting to yond foolish lout—
But chiefly for thy face and thy behavior,
Which, if my augury deceive me not, 70
Witness good bringing-up, fortune, and truth.
Therefore, know thou, for this I entertain thee.
Go presently, and take this ring with thee;
Deliver it to Madam Sylvia.
She loved me well delivered it to me. 75
He gives her a ring. JULIA, as Sebastian
It seems you loved not her, to leave her token.
She is dead belike? PROTEUS Not so; I think she lives. JULIA, as Sebastian Alas! PROTEUS Why dost thou cry “Alas”? 80 JULIA, as Sebastian I cannot choose but pity her. PROTEUS Wherefore shouldst thou pity her? JULIA, as Sebastian
Because methinks that she loved you as well
As you do love your lady Sylvia.
She dreams on him that has forgot her love; 85
You dote on her that cares not for your love.
’Tis pity love should be so contrary,
And thinking on it makes me cry “Alas.” PROTEUS
Well, give her that ring and therewithal
This letter. He gives her a paper. That’s her 90
chamber. Tell my lady
I claim the promise for her heavenly picture.
Your message done, hie home unto my chamber,
Where thou shalt find me sad and solitary. Proteus exits. | Proteus and Julia (still disguised as Sebastian) enter. Proteus offers "Sebastian" a job as his errand boy. Proteus then questions Lance, who was supposed to have delivered a little lap dog to Sylvia as a gift. It turns out that Lance lost the little dog and tried to offer up Crab instead. Sylvia refused the gift and sent the dog back. (Okay, that makes more sense. Proteus wanted Lance to give Sylvia a cute little Lhasa Apso or something—not Crab. Lance just messed it all up. So Proteus isn't a total bonehead. He's just a jerk.) Proteus tells Lance to scram and then asks Julia/Sebastian to deliver a ring to Sylvia. (Yep, it's the same ring that Julia gave Proteus before he went away. What a dog.) Julia/Sebastian is clearly upset. She says Proteus must not have loved the woman who originally gave him the ring. She also says she feels sorry for the "lady" who gave Proteus the ring—she probably loves Proteus as much as Proteus loves Sylvia. Proteus says, "Whatever. Deliver the ring and this letter to Sylvia." And leaves. |
JULIA
How many women would do such a message? 95
Alas, poor Proteus, thou hast entertained
A fox to be the shepherd of thy lambs.
Alas, poor fool, why do I pity him
That with his very heart despiseth me?
Because he loves her, he despiseth me; 100
Because I love him, I must pity him.
This ring I gave him when he parted from me,
To bind him to remember my good will;
And now am I, unhappy messenger,
To plead for that which I would not obtain, 105
To carry that which I would have refused,
To praise his faith, which I would have dispraised.
I am my master’s true confirmèd love,
But cannot be true servant to my master
Unless I prove false traitor to myself. 110
Yet will I woo for him, but yet so coldly
As—Heaven it knows!—I would not have him
speed. Enter Sylvia. As Sebastian. Gentlewoman, good day. I pray you be
my mean 115
To bring me where to speak with Madam Sylvia. SYLVIA
What would you with her, if that I be she? JULIA, as Sebastian
If you be she, I do entreat your patience
To hear me speak the message I am sent on. SYLVIA From whom? 120 JULIA, as Sebastian From my master, Sir Proteus,
madam. SYLVIA O, he sends you for a picture? JULIA, as Sebastian Ay, madam. SYLVIA, calling Ursula, bring my picture there. 125 She is brought the picture. Go, give your master this. Tell him from me,
One Julia, that his changing thoughts forget,
Would better fit his chamber than this shadow. JULIA, as Sebastian Madam, please you peruse this
letter. She gives Sylvia a paper. 130
Pardon me, madam, I have unadvised
Delivered you a paper that I should not.
This is the letter to your Ladyship. She takes back the first paper
and hands Sylvia another. SYLVIA
I pray thee let me look on that again. JULIA, as Sebastian
It may not be; good madam, pardon me. 135 SYLVIA There, hold.
I will not look upon your master’s lines;
I know they are stuffed with protestations
And full of new-found oaths, which he will break
As easily as I do tear his paper. 140 She tears the second paper. JULIA, as Sebastian
Madam, he sends your Ladyship this ring. She offers Sylvia a ring. SYLVIA
The more shame for him, that he sends it me;
For I have heard him say a thousand times
His Julia gave it him at his departure.
Though his false finger have profaned the ring, 145
Mine shall not do his Julia so much wrong. JULIA, as Sebastian She thanks you. SYLVIA What sayst thou? JULIA, as Sebastian
I thank you, madam, that you tender her;
Poor gentlewoman, my master wrongs her much. 150 SYLVIA Dost thou know her? JULIA, as Sebastian
Almost as well as I do know myself.
To think upon her woes, I do protest
That I have wept a hundred several times. SYLVIA
Belike she thinks that Proteus hath forsook her? 155 JULIA, as Sebastian
I think she doth, and that’s her cause of sorrow. SYLVIA Is she not passing fair? JULIA, as Sebastian
She hath been fairer, madam, than she is;
When she did think my master loved her well,
She, in my judgment, was as fair as you. 160
But since she did neglect her looking-glass
And threw her sun-expelling mask away,
The air hath starved the roses in her cheeks
And pinched the lily tincture of her face,
That now she is become as black as I. 165 | Poor Julia feels torn. She doesn't see how she can possibly go through with the errand because she's still in love with Proteus. Sylvia enters and begins to chat with Julia/Sebastian. Julia/Sebastian hands over a love letter and then immediately asks for it back, explaining that it's the wrong letter. (What do you suppose that first letter was? One that Proteus wrote to Julia, perhaps?) Julia/Sebastian gives Sylvia the right letter and Sylvia promptly tears it up. She also refuses to take the ring because she knows that it was given to Proteus by Julia. Sylvia feels pity for Julia and asks "Sebastian" if he knows her. "Sebastian" says that, yes, "he" knows Julia. She used to be very pretty but now that Proteus has dumped her, she's not looking or feeling so hot. |
SYLVIA How tall was she? JULIA, as Sebastian
About my stature; for at Pentecost,
When all our pageants of delight were played,
Our youth got me to play the woman’s part,
And I was trimmed in Madam Julia’s gown, 170
Which served me as fit, by all men’s judgments,
As if the garment had been made for me;
Therefore I know she is about my height.
And at that time I made her weep agood,
For I did play a lamentable part; 175
Madam, ’twas Ariadne, passioning
For Theseus’ perjury and unjust flight,
Which I so lively acted with my tears
That my poor mistress, movèd therewithal,
Wept bitterly; and would I might be dead 180
If I in thought felt not her very sorrow. SYLVIA
She is beholding to thee, gentle youth.
Alas, poor lady, desolate and left!
I weep myself to think upon thy words.
Here, youth, there is my purse. 185 She gives Julia a purse. I give thee this
For thy sweet mistress’ sake, because thou lov’st her.
Farewell. JULIA, as Sebastian
And she shall thank you for ’t if e’er you know her. Sylvia exits. A virtuous gentlewoman, mild and beautiful. 190
I hope my master’s suit will be but cold,
Since she respects my mistress’ love so much.—
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Here is her picture; let me see. I think
If I had such a tire, this face of mine 195
Were full as lovely as is this of hers;
And yet the painter flattered her a little,
Unless I flatter with myself too much.
Her hair is auburn; mine is perfect yellow;
If that be all the difference in his love, 200
I’ll get me such a colored periwig.
Her eyes are gray as glass, and so are mine.
Ay, but her forehead’s low, and mine’s as high.
What should it be that he respects in her
But I can make respective in myself 205
If this fond Love were not a blinded god?
Come, shadow, come, and take this shadow up,
For ’tis thy rival. O, thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipped, kissed, loved, and
adored; 210
And were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
I’ll use thee kindly for thy mistress’ sake,
That used me so, or else, by Jove I vow,
I should have scratched out your unseeing eyes 215
To make my master out of love with thee. She exits. | Sylvia wants to know more about Julia, so "Sebastian" says "he" and Julia are the same height. In fact, "he" once wore her clothes when "he" played the role of a woman, Ariadne, in a church play. "Sebastian's" performance of this "woman's part" was so good that it moved Julia to tears. Brain Snack: Ariadne is a figure from Greek mythology who hanged herself after her boyfriend, Theseus, dumped her. Sylvia is so moved by "Sebastian's" story that she gives Julia/Sebastian a bag full of money before she leaves. Julia is left alone on stage to gaze at the picture Sylvia has left behind for Proteus. Poor Julia admires Sylvia's beauty and wonders if Proteus would love her more if she looked more like Sylvia. Then Julia says that it's a good thing Sylvia turned out to be so nice. Otherwise, she would have "scratched out" her eyes. |