Noah Sweetwine

Character Analysis

In the chapters for which we're granted an all-access pass to what's going on in Noah's head, he's about 14 years old. Like a lot of kids his age, he's having a bit of an identity crisis.

The difference between Noah and most 14-year-olds is that he isn't struggling to figure out who he is. He's got all that stuff (for the most part) on lock: he's an artist, and he's gay. His challenge is in finding a way to square that identity with a world in which he feels that he doesn't fit. "Most of the time, I feel like a hostage," he says. (1.100) "All that matters is the worlds I can make, not the toilet-licking one I have to live in." (5.31) Wow.

And as much as possible, he tries to keep that struggle to himself. He says, "There's a crawlspace in me that no one can get to, no matter what." (1.162) Which…yikes. Take it easy, John Wayne Gacy. No one should ever hang out in the crawlspace.

Even when he's not in shutdown mode, Noah's extremely private. "I can always tell what's in Jude's head. It's not as easy for her to tell what's in mine, though, because I have shutters and I close them whenever I have to." (1.117) He doesn't really know any other gay people, so he feels alone and confused. His instinct is keep it secret, keep it safe.

His secret isn't as safe as he thinks, though, at least when it comes to Jude. "For the record, I knew what was going on between Brian and Noah even if no one else did," she tells us. (4.42) Was Noah that obvious? Or was it more of a twin telepathy thing? It's hard to say.

Finding His Place

Though Noah knows himself, he's uneasy about issues surrounding masculinity. Pre-growth spurt, this may have as much to do with his small size as his sexual orientation. When the book opens, he's being bullied by the neighborhood "surftards."

And dear old dad, with all his "broken umbrella" speeches (see Symbols), isn't exactly helping matters. Though he's trying to inspire Noah to be more of a manly man, the talks just heighten Noah's feelings of inadequacy. They likely also contribute to his instinct to keep his sexuality a secret.

At 14, Noah also spends a lot of time feeling physically awkward. When he's first hanging out with Brian, a neighbor that he's head-over-heels in love with, he's hyperconscious of his body. "I sound chirpy and weird," he says. "My hands are totally and completely trapped now. Pockets are hand jails. I free them, only to clap them together like they're cymbals. Jesus." (3.223) Later, peering through Brian's telescope, the anxiety comes back. "Do guys normally stand so close to other guys? I wish I'd paid more attention to these kinds of things before." (3.405)

Months later, he has an epiphany when he sees two guys kissing at a party. (It makes him so happy that he starts to cry.) When Noah and Brian finally make out, Noah feels at home right away. "I know absolutely everything about how to kiss him….It's like I've taken every class there is on the subject." (5.304)

All that awkwardness just fades away. Ain't that cute?

Losing His Place

Soon after that, though, Noah and Brian have a falling out. Noah's mom dies on the same day, which (understandably) messes him up. And then, on top of everything else, the only part of his life that he feels secure in—his identity as an artist—is ripped away from him when he's not accepted into art school. He thinks the school hated his work, but the truth is they never received his application. Jude never mailed it.

Devastated, Noah gives up on trying to find his place in the world. "I enter the crawlspace deep inside me and shut the hatch. Because I'm not coming back out. Ever," he says. (7.48)

He tosses all his art supplies and morphs into what Jude refers to as an "impenetrable fortress of conventionality" (4.39)—a bro with a buzz cut. He cuts everyone out of his life, including his twin sister. He may even be suicidal. We don't really know that part, because those are the chapters when Noah's 16 and an impenetrable fortress and all. Plus, we've moved on to Jude's head.

The New Noah

On the bright side (of art), before Jude even confesses about the art school application thing, Noah finds his way back to painting. He tries a new medium, spray painting. He's no longer focusing on drawing or oil paint; he's broadcasting his vision to the wide world. Probably illegally, but still. He's out of the crawlspace and into the light.

From there, he's able to reconnect with the authentic self that he tried to bury for the last two years. Off-screen (so to speak), he apologizes to Brian, and they reconcile. They walk out onto the beach holding hands in front of Noah's family and everything. Secure in himself, Noah no longer has to hide. What a happy ending.