Solomon
Intro
- Storyteller: Emilia
- Emilia gives a long sermon on the frailty of women and their need to be governed by men. Even if the law hadn't made women subservient to men, nature did, by making women weak and soft. So women have to be kind, obedient, patient, and pretty much do whatever their men tell them to do.
- So 14th-century.
- If they don't, they should be punished. Physically, if need be. Don't take her word for it—even the wise King Solomon thinks so.
Story
- Two gentlemen, Melissus and Joseph, who don't know each other meet up on the road on their way to consult with the wise king Solomon.
- Joseph tells Melissus that he's going to Solomon for advice on how to deal with his stubborn wife.
- Melissus has a different problem: although he spends all his money on banquets and entertaining his friends, no one loves him. So, better call Sol.
- The two men arrive at the court of Solomon together. Melissus gets his audience first and explains the situation. Solomon replies with one word: "Love."
- Then Joseph steps up and asks Solomon what to do about his wife. Solomon says "Go to Goosebridge."
- Both men are quickly ushered out. They have absolutely no idea what Solomon meant by his "advice."
- On the way home, the men come to a bridge with a traffic jam of domestic animals across it.
- One mule driver is having a heck of a time getting a stubborn mule across the bridge, so he begins to beat the creature.
- Melissus and Joseph are horrified by the beating and tell the guy to stop beating the mule. Won't it walk if he just talks nicely to it?
- The mule driver tells them to mind their own beeswax and proceeds to beat the animal even harder.
- And that does the trick. The mule finally gives up and moves across the bridge.
- A light bulb goes off in Joseph's head. He's simply not been beating his wife hard enough!
- When they get to the other side of the bridge, the men ask a local guy the name of the place.
- Right. Goosebridge.
- Solomon's advice suddenly makes very good sense to Joseph.
- When they arrive in Joseph's hometown of Antioch, he invites Melissus to stop at his house overnight. His wife behaves true to form, refusing to serve what Joseph would like for dinner.
- Joseph thinks this is a great time to put Solomon's advice into effect. He makes Melissus promise not to interfere, and then he grabs a big oak stick.
- Joseph beats his wife within an inch of her life. He stops only because he's too tired to continue.
- Amazingly, she lives through the night. And this time, when Joseph orders a special meal for breakfast, he gets it.
- Now Melissus has to return home and see if he can make good on the advice given by Solomon.
- When he tells a local wise man about the advice, the man says, "Duh!"—you can't be loved if you give parties just to show off. You've got to do it out of love, man.
- So in the end, Emilia says, the disobedient wife gets what she deserved (!) and Melissus finally learns how to attract the love he's always wanted.
- Thanks, Sol.