Balder

Character Analysis

Friend to All and Yard Gnome With An Attitude

Balder is kind of the Dobby of Going Bovine. (Stick with us, here, we have a point.) There are actually a bunch of parallels: He's short, he's adorable, and once he's freed from nasty owners (here we can think of the drunken, drug-dealing party dudes as the Malfoy family) he pledges his undying loyalty to his new friend. He manages to impart wisdoms to the protagonist in a timely manner, saves the day a few times, and then dies just when everything looks like it's going to get resolved.

Balder Wisdom

Being immortal imparts Balder with knowledge that he's accumulated over many years. Throughout their travels, he offers to share these nuggets of wisdom, though it's to a mixed reception by Cam and Gonzo. When Cam is just angling for an introduction, instead of something straightforward, he gets a yard gnome waxing philosophical about names:

"Exactly. You've been assigned an identity since birth. Then you spend the rest of your life walking around in it to see if it really fits. You try on all these different selves and abandon just as many. But really, it's about dismantling all that false armor, getting down to what's real." (28.131)

You can see how this could be eye-roll inducing, but still, Balder's pretty dang cute about delivering these balls of sagacity. (We just realized Balls of Sagacity would be a great band name. Dibs.)

Some of the more memorable words of advice Cam receives on his epic quest are spoken by a drunken Balder while they're sitting by a campfire. He has retrieved the E-ticket wristband that Cam impulsively flung into the woods, and offers this guidance:

"Like Odin, you see only the coming doom and lose faith in what is here, what is good. […] The dark does not weep for itself because there is no light. Rather, it accepts that it is the dark. It is said that even the gods must die." He winks. "But not without one hell of a fight." (37.88)

Here Balder shows Cam that sure, he might be dying, but he's not dead yet and can still embrace life. Then he gets Cam to put his E-ticket life-meter back on, which for all we know extends his life long enough to get things done.

Balder Saves the Day

Balder isn't just wise, though, he's a man of action. His first impulse as a Viking warrior is to enter battle head-on, which is effective about half the time. The other half Cam or Gonzo are relegated to dragging him from the scene of a potential crime. Still, his gumption comes in handy, and on more than one occasion his brash deviousness helps the boys get some much-needed funds:

"Noble Cameron, I am forever indebted to you," he says with a little stiff bow. He wipes his face dry. Mischief glints in his eyes. "Now, to help you. Carbine's bedroom window is around the side of the house to my right. If you will give me what you call a boost, I shall crawl in, plunder, and return with the money. It would be best if you were to carry me past the others, allowing me to 'play dead,' so as not to arouse their suspicions. Let us make haste." (28.165)

The resulting three grand that Balder steals from his drug-dealing ex-captor is what the group uses to purchase their valiant steed Rocinante. So yeah, the guy's pretty useful.

Later, when the United Snow Globe Wholesalers catch up with them while Balder waits for Ringhorn, he valiantly volunteers to hold the baddies off until the boys can make their escape:

"I stay right here to wait for Ringhorn."

"But Balder—"

"I shall wait!" he insists. "Those men cannot harm me. I shall be a worthy distraction. Do what you must and leave me to it." (47.26-28)

Well… okay, so they do kill him. But his sacrifice is what allows Cam and Gonzo to go on to Disney World to fight Dr. X. In other words, until the bitter end, Balder is a valiant team player.

Balder Stands by His Man

Balder is the ballsy, hilarious, loyal-to-the-end friend that everybody wishes they could have. If he seems custom-built for faithful companionship, though, maybe it's because he was: It's likely that Balder is a mad cow disease-induced hallucination based on the interesting fairy tale choices Cam's mom made for his bed time stories.

"Did I tell you all that I'm going to be teaching a course on the poetic and prose Eddas next semester?" Mom says, trying to change the subject. "Remember how much you kids loved those Viking sagas when you were little? Odin and Freya, Balder and Frigg."

Oops. Looks like Cam's mom planted little seeds of Balder-inception in Cam's brain at a young age, so when it starts to go on the fritz that's what pops up. Regardless of whether he's real or not, though, Balder is one of the people who teach Cameron what friendship really means. When Gonzo starts to question whether Cam is off his rocker and wants out of the mission, Balder reminds him of their purpose:

"Because Cameron is our brother, our friend, and we do not abandon our friends," Balder chides.

"Thanks, man," I say.

"No matter if he has lost his wits completely and speaks like one whom the dogs should tear asunder in a mercy killing," Balder continues. "This is a quest. I pledged my loyalty to Cameron back on the cul-de-sac. I shall see it through till the end." (29.187-189)

This kind of blind devotion is apparently a very Viking trait, and it starts to rub off on our main man. After he befriends Balder, we see Cam develop qualities that he definitely doesn't have in the beginning of the novel—specifically, he actually starts to care about other people. Go figure, right?